RELEASE THE KRAKEN

BLOODY HELL

2012-03-02T01:59:00.000Z

Last weekend's BUCA championship was subject to heavy disruption following an outbreak of cholera in High Wycombe. Every player took offence at the exasperated attempts of organiser Alex Holowczak to point them towards the toilet so, as a result, they turned the playing hall into a giant carpeted nappy. A hastily made banner which read "John Snow died in 1858. Get over it." did little to help.

Deceased

Despite everyone being a student, it seems that the conditions were a shock to many; only universities situated in cesspits graced the top half of the final standings. It's no surprise that the London institutions could only manage 13th or worse.

Diseased

Our man in the Chilterns, Wendell Thomas, said that the playing environment resembled "Ypres with more French Defence". One unnamed source went further, describing the scene as "like an abattoir in a powercut".

Matters became so desperate that Edinburgh were presented with the trophy before Round 5, lest one or more of them succumbed to their symptoms during the final game. I'm happy to report that they have all made a full recovery, albeit with an improved opinion of English chess conditions.

4'33"

2012-02-12T01:02:00.000Z

The good that can come of complaining about a nit:

Life Outside The Diamond

2011-12-14T13:48:00.006Z

It's come to our attention that the Armenian government have gone big. Not content with their 4^th place finish at the European Team Championships in Greece last month and that off the back of winning the Worlds in July, they are trying to set the bar even higher.

Promoting junior chess is a topic close to our hearts here at RTK so we've decided to weigh in with some thought nuggets. Firstly, the successful 'A Copy of the 400^th Anniversary King James Bible Complete with Gove Introduction for Schools' movement should provide our framework. By making a case for the impact of chess on the culture of Britain as a “thing of beauty” we can push for it to become policy. I suspect this approach would have aided the rival faction 'Why Not a Copy of On The Origin of Species Instead?' who showed how common sense tactics just don't cut the mustard.

As Mr Cain will attest it's never wise to mow in without a backup plan and projects like Chess In Schools and the Chess Rocks initiative are doing fantastic work. That's not to mention the many heros who give up their time and put in heaps of effort to help run independent junior clubs. Even though money may prove too great an obstacle to set about emulating the Armenians, we hope grass roots chess wont be disappearing any time soon.

Just in case the situation changes, I've taken the liberty of coming up with a few chants for the picket lines:

What do we want?

Chess lessons in schools across the country

When do we want them?

Once all of the necessary paperwork and red tape has been completed to a satisfactory level

Give me a “C”, Give me an “Hess for schools”, What do you get? “A Generation of children better prepared for jobs in the tertiary sector!”

Who's with us?

Gorgeous

2011-11-22T23:21:00.000Z

We've been doing some phone hacking of our own recently. And we can exclusively reveal the person who'll be managing the 2012 British Championships.

They're the obvious choice really. LGBT-friendly, well acclimated with arbiting and known to look fabulous in a blue polo shirt. In addition, living in the north-east must be seen as a major advantage.

ECF President CJ de Mooi, thought to be behind the decision, appears to be making amends for August's misunderstanding. About an hour ago, he tweeted "As penance I've just started my 7th hour of exercise for today". Commitment indeed to looking good naked.

Maud Watt Sorts Your Life Out IV

2011-11-10T14:41:00.004Z

Dearest Maud,

I suffer from what has been diagnosed by my team mates as a chronic case of Armchair Chess Player Syndrome (ACPS). As I'm sure you're well aware it's far more severe than being an armchair fanatic of any other discipline. The football fan simply shouts at the players from the comfort of his living room or indeed the stands of his local ground, if I spot a winning combination whilst watching a game I blurt it out. I simply can't help myself and have even been known to follow it up with a barrage of personal abuse.

This has caused all manner of difficulties during league matches but also in my personal life. I've been confined to a separate room by my club captain during matches and a similar move has been made by my wife. He's issued an ultimatum threatening to ban me from competitive fixtures and she's furious that I gave her a slow hand clap and suggested back rank mate last night. What should I do?

Yours,

Brian Lunder, Ipswich

Frankly Brian, I'm surprised you're still permitted to roam the streets let alone play competitive chess matches. In order to remedy your condition I suggest watching more games from super GM tournaments. Invest in a package holiday to Wijk aan Zee and sit in the front row during games.

Failure to spot any combinations at all will knock your ego down a rung or two and you'll soon begin to doubt your chess playing ability. This is a very important step on the road to recovery. Only when you're frightened of suggesting moves to the point where you don't want to even look at a chess board ever again let alone analyse a position, will you be free from ACPS.

That'll be 49 euros, cash preferable.

Do you have an urgent chess issue to resolve? Email extremelydistressingnews@gmail.com with 'Maud Watt' in the subject line.

'Taches for Cashes

2011-11-01T00:14:00.002Z

You heard us correctly. All three of us are taking part in Movember in order to raise money for men's health charities. In the end, Alex Holowczak and Roger Edwards convinced us that we were missing out on some top lip action. This is our page which we will be updating regularly. Please donate generously.

Our hero

We'll be present at the first 4NCL weekend in Daventry if you'd like to check we're taking it seriously. We'll even let you stroke the fruits of our labours. How's about that then? (RIP Jimmy)

League Chess Rebourne

2011-10-15T01:30:00.003+01:00

After several weeks of hyperbolic prose, you're going to get some red hot chess action in this posting. Aren't you lucky?

No more politics!

You might have to wait a bit, mind.

Oh.

Last summer at Canterbury, I had a very interesting discussion with Pete Wells about professionalism in league chess. I didn't do a very good job of putting my view across and was rightly bitchslapped across the debate. So, over a year late, here's what I think about evening league sides who pay to bring strong players into their sides. I think these are prerequisites for a successful professional model:

1. That such players integrate into the club ethic and socialise.

2. That such players do not prevent paid up members from playing. In other words, that the clubs enter sufficient teams for everyone to get a go. This may mean that the old 1st team Board 5 finds themselves on Board 2 for the 2nd team in a lower division. It should be their motivation to get that team promoted and thus get better chess on a higher board in the same division as they were in to begin with.

3. That the team captain ensures a contest is possible. There is little point for either set of players in overkill of the likes of this. Though that relies on the opposing captain too.

Wood Green's London League team is a case in point. The last two seasons I've played GM Jon Levitt on Board 9 and IM Richard Pert on Board 6, two of the strongest players I've ever faced in any form of chess. I drew both games. There's obviously pleasure and experience to be derived by playing such top people and analysing with them afterwards, whatever the result.

But yet I'm still very keen on the idea that an amateur club can keep up with the big boys, dragging itself along by a mixture of heightened team spirit and pluck. Drunken Knights nearly managed it last season. Professionals merely put themselves on a lofty pedestal and everyone wants to beat them that little bit more. This is the case in any sport - non-league football clubs like drawing Premiership sides in the FA Cup principally because of the 'what if...' involved. They know their chances of success are minimal but there's no pressure except to give it a damn good go.

And this is a good thing.

So on Wednesday I found myself at Bourne End playing for Sandhurst, one such club who engage the services of titled players dotted around the south of England. And you know what, they fulfil all of my criteria. The match itself was extremely close with only minor nuances separating the players on Boards 2, 4 and 5. Sam Walker in particular, who was my protégé before he became better than me, played extremely well against GingerGM™ before the clock became the decisive factor.

My game against intellectual suavity personified, Steve James, was not altogether convincing.

Time control reached. The activity of the black king is a potential worry, but for now I have control of the e file and weaknesses on a3 and c5 to exploit. I was reasonably happy with my prospects here.

31. c4 dxc4 32. bxc4 Bd7 33. Nb3 Rb4 34. Bd3 Rb6 35. Nxc5

A free pawn, but it's unclear how significant it's really going to be. But a pawn's a pawn, and the game goes on.

35... Rc6 36. Nxd7 Nxd7 37. Re7?

By all accounts, pretty poor. 37. Re3 must be better, hunting down the a3 pawn like Prince does jockeys.

37... Rd6 38. Be4??

If my previous move was poor, this is an active atrocity. 38... Kf8 39. f6 Nxf6 40. Re5 Rd1+ 41. Kh2 Ng4+ picks up the rook.

38... Kf6?

Phew - the rook can now escape via e8. The a pawn decided in the time scramble around move 70. Professional chess is tough.

Say It Loud

2011-10-08T02:00:00.000+01:00

This thread and this thread reveal that it isn't so easy being an arbiter these days.

Just the other week a shellsuited youth misjudged my cardigan and pointy shoes and suggested I was an arbiter. Not that it's anything to be ashamed of - indeed, a lot of my friends are arbiters - but I was shocked at the level of ignorance on display. Arbiters may have their own stereotypical fashions and an exaggerated gait, but they should of course be afforded the same rights as everyone else. The recent developments in arbiter marriage have been very pleasing.

Not an arbiter

Social acceptance has also meant that the arbiter cruising scene has emerged from the muddy moors of Hampstead Heath and Clapham Common to special licensed establishments. It's a pleasure to mix with luminaries like Belinfante, Hewitt and Holowczak in Soho of an evening. The other night, Ja Rule 10.2 played on Old Compton Street and they were loving it.

As we intimated in August, the next Arbiter Pride isn't until next summer, but they still need your support in the meantime. I implore everyone to flood the streets and wave your pairing cards in the air like you just don't care. Otherwise arbiter repression will continue unabated.

Heavy Knights

2011-10-01T11:35:00.001+01:00

It's that time of the year again. On Monday, the London League season explodes into life with the first and second strings of Drunken Knights facing off. Last year, the same fixture produced a predictable 10-2 scoreline, which put an end to the Triple Seconds' 33-match unbeaten run.

DK - Not actually mugs

The fixture is due to be much stronger than last year's though. In all, fourteen titled players have been selected. Huge!

Play will start at The Plough at 7pm. All welcome.

A Loud Apology

2011-09-26T17:00:00.001+01:00

It's come to our attention that the person responsible for the wonderful logo on the right of your screen hasn't been publicly thanked. His name is Jon Bliss and this is how he rolls.

The power of RTK compels you

We hope you'll agree that some of his creations are magnificent and deserve a wider audience, perhaps in the form of a t-shirt production line. This is our favourite.

Bigmouth Strikes Again

2011-09-21T23:44:00.004+01:00

Oh dear. This column's record appears to be stuck. But frankly there's nowhere else to go. Sorry about the radio silence of late - promised articles on Moiseenko-Navara, Dublin and chessboxing have been usurped by life. So here's a quick summary:

Moiseenko is a twinkle. Navara is my hero.

Dublin was enjoyable but I played crap.

Chessboxing could do with more cowbell.

Right. This. Christ. Where do we start? Apart from to wonder whether Stevo is having some kind of Charlie Sheen-esque breakdown. Though if he does his own cooking show any time soon, I'm perfectly happy about it.

It's extremely convenient to be as far removed as possible from the people who you criticise, especially when you don't want to listen to their opinion. So having last week resigned from his Hastings roles, he's well on his way to being an island. Even the breakfast club's opinion of C.J.'s latest announcement differs to that of our gull.

And that's because it's homophobic thundershite.

To call the Gay Times "a pornographic magazine" is to suggest that homosexual culture should be suppressed to the top shelf, well out of everyone's eyeline. To call C.J.'s actions "tawdry is to suggest that helping an HIV charity is shameful. It also suggests that there's something wrong with getting your kit off in the name of fundraising. In the light of the above, to call C.J. a "professional self-publicist" is grossly unfair.

Stevo won't know how Joan of Arc felt though. He's far too marooned in his own little world.

To Rentokil A Mockingbird

2011-08-19T04:55:00.003+01:00

Pest control has, it would seem, returned. Except that, on this occasion, nobody from outside the breakfast club is allowed to pass comment. Which is outrageous. And it's precisely because we've not been initiated that we're outraged.

Poor old Chris. You'd think that living with Bill Hartston's family for a year must qualify one for the breakfast club, wouldn't you? But no. Chris has now upped sticks in protest and is at such a low ebb that he's living with non-chess players. I share a fridge with three titled players but, again, radio silence has prevailed. Hear that, Steve? A fridge! All the eggs and bacon you want. We might be running low on foie gras though.

For a man who is only too delighted to disgorge his chess address book in his publications, the lack of even a courtesy phone call from Steve over the past 13 months has been very disappointing. He's obviously losing touch with who the top people really are. And in more than one way too. Even Joey Stewart has a higher ECF grade than Steve and he's dead!

Come back to us, Steve! Let us once again tell you how wonderful we think you are. It's only fair.

Introducing 'The Diaper'

2011-08-08T22:05:00.000+01:00

Are you sick of the same stale opening motifs? Does the Petroff or the Fort Knox make your blood boil? Want to shit all over your position instead? Try The Diaper! Only strong players and major celebrities play it!

Don't worry about those weak dark squares - we can't use the light squares either!

This is the key starting position of the main line of The Diaper. It is reached by the following moves:

1. e4 e5 2. f3 Nc6 3. h3 Qh4+ 4. Ke2 Nd4+ 5. Kd3

Black has many options here, all of which are very good. However, I recommend following my advice by wearing a balaclava to each game. You can fool your opponent into thinking you're a terrorist and are likely to abduct their children if they beat you. This approach certainly carries more moral and ethical weight than most. It's particularly subtle during the winter months.

Adams Wins Despite Being Straight

2011-08-07T00:53:00.002+01:00

What a furore. It's a wonder this didn't happen last year.

I'm better than all of you. Get over it.

Perhap Fortescue, on the scene in Sheffield, had this to say:

"The gay rights parade was a joke. Some chess players, most of them not even practising homosexuals, hijacked it. And then two of them - admittedly wearing rather darling suits - set up a position on a board and sat motionless. This aroused considerable excitement amongst the mob and some of them sat nearby and started sketching furiously. The two subjects didn't even play footsie. Disgraceful."

Still-life class in Ponds Forge.

At 12.05pm, one of the men moved and the class was abandoned. The word on the street is that they will reconvene in Whitley Bay in July 2012. Homosexuals beware.

Photos: Stephen Connor

Kazan Blues

2011-05-27T18:08:00.002+01:00

So we finally know the identity of Anand’s new challenger. As good as Boris Gelfand is, I think it’s fair to say that Vishy won’t exactly be quaking in his boots. After all, with Mr. Gelfand at #16 in the world rankings, it’s the equivalent of Rafael Nadal facing Richard Gasquet in a Grand Slam Final. And all of this is a shame, because The Blues Brothers is one of my favourite films.

Boris Gelfand, World #16

The manner of Gelfand’s qualification – and of the competition as a whole – has been the subject of much debate, the short comfortable draws being the main bone of contention. But you won’t find any complaints from this end. I actually find it very pleasing that the world elite have finally made the considered decision to play like Robert Bellin.

Torn Apart by Timmy's Dad

2011-02-23T14:16:00.000Z

Going into last night's London League match against Streatham, I was on 7½/9 for Drunken Knights this season. Within 90 minutes, that turned into 7½/10 after this spectacular pile of garbage.

I was paired on Board 3 against Middlesex colleague Andrew Stone, who bears a decent resemblance to Timmy's Dad in the cartoon Fairly Odd Parents.

Andrew Stone, pictured last month, upon learning his Rapidplay grade had dropped 12 points

Andrew Stone (199) - (185) Phil Makepeace

White's just played 13. Ng5 after a Fantasy Caro. There's nothing wrong with Bd7, but I saw some fruit and went for it.

13... Bg4!? 14. Qxg4 Qxe3+ 15. Kb1 Qxd4!? 16. Rhe1+ Kf8 17. c3

17... Qf6

Forced. 17... Qa4 runs into the stunning combination 18. Nxf7 Kxf7 19. Qe6+ Kf8 20. Qd6+ Kg8 21. b3 Qa5 22. Re7 with mate to follow.

18. f5

18... h6?

Not sure why I didn't take the pawn. It certainly looks like black's hanging on well after 18... gxf5, though white would obviously have excellent compensation for the pawn.

19. Nh7+!

Oof.

19... Rxh7 20. fxg6 Rh8 21. Qb4+ Kg8 22. gxf7+ Qxf7 23. Rf1 Bf8?

Allowing forced mate.

24. Qg4+

SIGH.

1 - 0

Reader Letter III

2011-02-09T00:25:00.001Z

Alright you horrible lot! If a winter break is good enough for European footballers then it's good enough for us. Don't pretend you missed us.

And with our return we bring you another letter we've received from Ms. D Fault of Sevenoaks.

Dear CJ,

Where on earth have you been? Daphne came round for afternoon tea last Thursday and told us you were in a pantomime, whatever that is. Cyril tells me it involves foolishness and tights, two of our least favourite things. We believe in a good long sock.

We have also heard that you are fraternising with the man that poor old Gerry refers to as 'him'. Please desist.

Yours,

Deborah Fault

Ploughing Through

2010-11-24T01:07:00.001Z

In the early hours of the morning a few days before this match Phil and I decided we should wear suits. The rationale was loosely along the lines that most of the Knights came straight from work and we didn't want to be under dressed. We failed to pull this off. The younger Kraken's footwear left something to be desired as trainers weren't entirely the image we were going for and apparently my tie made me look like a Labour Party canvasser. New DK recruit Mr Raoof joined us in the bar for a prematch nerve settler, eager to hear the news but we were unable to provide him with details of our scoop at the time.

With two tough fixtures to come in the shape of Wood Green and Cavendish, there were to be no cheap draws from our end as we needed to exploit the home advantage. It was after more than two hours of play before results started coming in. Sophie's neat win was the first.

We stormed to an early 4-0 lead and managed to convert it to a 7-4 win with board 2 adjourned. So DK2 are off the mark with a convincing result over our similar strength opposition.

	DRUNKEN KNIGHTS 2	ECF		ECF	RICHMOND
1	Carsten Pedersen	191	0 - 1	215	IM Gavin Wall
2	Richard Black	193	0 - 1	196	Thomas Nixon
3	Adam Raoof	188	1 - 0	192	Michael Healey
4	Sophie Tidman	187	1 - 0	194	Chetan Deva
5	Dom Goodwin	185	1 - 0	192	Martin Benjamin
6	Chris Russell	187	½ - ½	176	Robert Heaton
7	Phil Makepeace	185	1 - 0	174	Franciscos Domingos
8	Aidan Rawlinson	178	½ - ½	178	Julien Shepley
9	Nevil Chan	176	0 - 1	175	James McCarthy
10	Neville Blackie	180	1 - 0	174	Michael Smart
11	Peter Ackley	180	½ - ½	164	John Burke
12	Doug Bennett	171	½ - ½	147	Abraham Neviazsky
		Ave 183	7 - 5	Ave 181

My effort was a classic case of how to turn a better position into a worse one, an underrated skill in the chess world. Annotations are based upon the game's post-mortem which, naturally, we conducted back at the bar.

Chris Russell (187) - (176) Robert Heaton

1. e4 c6 2. Nf3 g6 3. d4 Bg7 4. Be2 d6 5. a4 Nf6 6. Nc3 Nbd7?

After 6. … 0-0 7. 0-0 We have reached a mainline classical pirc but this move is too slow.

7. e5!

It begins!

7... dxe5 8. dxe5 Nd5!

Both 8. … Nh5 9. g4 and 8. … Ng4 9. e6! fxe6 10. Ng5 leave black completely ruined.

9. Nxd5 cxd5 10. Qxd5 Nxe5

The point of black's 8^th move.

11. Qxd8+

11. Bb5+ Nd7 12. 0-0 lacks pace as after 12… a6 black will untangle.

11… Kxd8 12. 0-0 Nxf3+ 13. Bxf3 Kc7

It's all looking rather good for me here but I cleverly fail to capitalise over the next few moves.

14. Re1 Re8 15. Ra3 Bd7 16. Bd5

An attempt to gain a tempo on the f7 pawn but it's more than happy to move eventually.

16... e6 17. Bf4+ e5 18. Be3 f5 19. Rc3+

So I've managed to isolate the Queenside pawns as black has no sensible alternative to his next.

19... Bc6

But here I rather miss the target as 20. b4! leaves black in all manner of difficulties. A potential continuation 20… Red8 21. Bxc6 bxc6 22. b5 Rd6 just about holds the fort for the time being but white has all the chances.

20. g3? Rad8!

The a7 pawn is left to be gobbled but black can win one back.

21. Bxc6 bxc6 22. a5 Rd5 23. Ra3 Bf8!

Continuing to harass the Rook.

24. Ra4 a6

I was really beginning to dislike my position around here, it's all gone rather passive.

25. Re2 Rb5 26. c3 Rb3 27. Rd2 c5 28. Kf1 Kc6 29. Ra2?

A square so poor I almost choked on my own vomit after leaving it there. Had vague ideas of freeing up the d2 Rook but it's rather sluggish.

29... Bd6 30. f3 Bc7

We'd agreed to the quickplay finish pre-match and so reached the time control here. Black has all the play and the a5 pawn is looking rather loose. The kingside starts rolling too over the next few moves.

31. Ke2 f4 32. Bf2 h5 33. Ra4 g5 34. Kd1 Reb8 35. Kc1 Rb5 36. Re2

This makes things a little awkward for black with tricks like 36. … Re8? 37. gxf4 gxf4 38. Rxf4 and combined with Rob's time trouble I figured it was a decent time to toss out the draw offer which was accepted

½ – ½

Daylight Robbery in London N10

2010-11-21T19:19:00.003Z

Having participated in many of their First Thursday blitz tournaments, I've become quite fond of Hendon and friendly with many of their players. And now that Adam Raoof's joined Drunken Knights, I predict he'll be appearing on these pages more than he perhaps would like.

Hendon's Middlesex League triumph last season owed a lot to an influx of familiar names for crucial fixtures. Names like D'Costa, Summerscale, Williams, Trent and Cherniaev, all of which may or may not have had letters after them. But now they're attempting to retain the title as a strictly amateur outfit, and they've got a great chance of doing so despite a 6-2 reversal at Ealing.

Especially if they keep turning out killer teams like this:

	MUSWELL HILL	ECF	Result	ECF	HENDON
1	Tryfon Gavriel (w)	199	0 – 1	203	Cristian Mures
2	Chris Russell	187	1 – 0	203	Tomer Eden
3	Phil Makepeace	185	½ - ½	204	Robert Willmoth
4	Alecos Ethelontis	186	0 – 1	194	Gary Senior
5	Dominic Norcliffe-Brown	153	0 – 1	e178	Gayan Peiris
6	Dick House	162	½ - ½	188	Adam Raoof
7	Morris Stranger	141	0 – 1	e184	Darlan Rodrigo Veit
8	Simon Wilks	149	½ - ½	176	Isaac Sanders
		Ave 170.3	2½ - 5½	Ave 191.3

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

And you can forget about the represented grades on Boards 5, 7 and 8. Isaac is 12 years old and digustingly good; I didn't even need John Fleetwood telling me that about his protégé, his quality is well known. In addition, the two ungraded players wouldn't look out of place on the top boards. And so it unfortunately proved, as two of the juniors I was blooding fell first.

I was next to follow, after this mini-thriller.

Philip J. Makepeace (185) - (204) Robert F. Willmoth

My season record with the white bits before this match was a rather shaming +0 -3 =9. And so after losing the toss, I expected to be unable to contribute to the hoodoo. However, Mike Bennett had other ideas and gave his troops white on evens.

1. e4 d6 2. d4 Nf6 3. Nc3 c6 4. a4?!

Simply not realising it was a Czech Pirc.

4... Qa5 5. Bd2 e5 6. Nd5

I quite liked the look of the positions that followed, so I took an early opportunity to relieve the pressure on d5 and e4.

6... Qd8 7. Nxf6+ Qxf6 8. Nf3 Bg4 9. Bc3 Nd7 10. Be2 Bxf3 11. Bxf3 Be7 12. Bg4

An attempt to exploit the bishop pair. And, frankly, designed to annoy black as much as possible.

12... Nf8 13. O-O h5!?

Fair enough. 14. Bxh5 Qh6 is horrible so I'm pretty much forced to shove Boris into an outpost. However, black is now almost certainly not going to castle so I can start building plans around the destruction of the centre.

14. Bh3 g5 15. Bf5 Ne6 16. d5 Ng7

Having eliminated the bishop pair, I think Rob was feeling pretty good at this point. However, I have a shot that blows the position wide open and probably maintains a small plus as a result of my snug king.

17. f4!? gxf4 18. Rxf4 Qg5 19. Rf3 Nxf5 20. exf5 f6

Time to take stock. And I liked what I saw. While black's bishop is obviously very unhappy with life, mine still needs to get properly involved. But I felt most confident about going after his king, so that's what I, er, decided to do.

21. Qd3 Qg8!

Going backwards to go forwards. It also very importantly prevents my queen coming to c4 followed by penetration on e6.

22. dxc6 bxc6

23. Rd1?!

Unnecessary prophylaxis. I had considered the alternative 23. Qa6 but considered that 23... Qd5 24. Rd3 Qc5+ 25. Kh1 Qb6 wasn't so great. However, 24. b4! or the extraordinary 24. Be1! would have been enormous.

23... Kd7?

The last chance for black to shut up shop on the queenside with 23... a5.

24. Bxe5?

One of those deliberations. And one which tends to appeal to my 'what the hell' psyche. It just looked too good. 24. Bb4 maintains the advantage and creates holes everywhere after the forced 24... d5.

24... fxe5 25. f6 Bf8 26. f7?

Time to bail out, or so I thought. I had considered the game sequence to be forced, however black had better options.

26... Qg4 27. Qa6 Rc8 28. Qxa7+ Rc7 29. Qb8 Rc8 30. Qb7+

27... Qb4! would have been crushing in view 28. Rb3 Qc5+ 29. Kh1 Qxc2 30. Rb7+ Ke6 31. Rf1 when the black king is quite safe.

½ - ½

After very good +EV draws with black on 6 and 8, we were two down with three to play. And had better positions on all three. First of these to finish was Chris after a fantastic performance. Full annotations to follow.

Unfortunately, Tryfon and Alecos couldn't convert and both lost in time scrambles. Indeed, you can hear Tryfon getting all angry and overexcited about his game here. So the scoreline took a rather sombre turn. The return fixture is on January 20 - looking forward to it already.

I've Seen You Before Innit II

2010-11-20T01:57:00.009Z

Submitted by Ben Purton.

Martin Gould, snooker pro Sean Hewitt, e2e4 supremo

Is It A Bird? Is It A Plane? No, It's...

2010-11-19T13:01:00.035Z

... a 4NCL Division 3 report! Lucky you.

In my student days, getting from Coventry to Daventry was almost too easy. However, the journey in from Macclesfield is a lot less fun, and after 2 trains, a bus (25 minutes late) and a 2 mile walk I was not in the best of moods. I arrived to find the game already underway, and due to a default I'd been bumped up to a career high of 3rd board for Bristol 3 vs Guildford A&DC 3, which incidently also happened to be board 333. With the magic number on my side, nothing could go wrong.

Richard Bryant (174) - (139) John-Paul Taylor

1. e4 d5 2. Nc3!?

Oh, what the hell is this? I took a bit of a think to consider 2. ... e6 and 2. ... c6 hoping to transpose into a French or Caro, before realising I had no idea how to play either.

2. ... d4 3. Nce2 c5 4. Ng3 e5 5. Bc4 Nf6 6. Nf3 Bd6 7. O-O Bd7 8. d2 b5?!

Not the greatest of ideas. After 9. Bb3 I'd planned to chuck in 9. ... a5 and really go to town on his queenside, but 10. a4! pisses on that bonfire.

9. Bb3 O-O 10. a4 c4!?

I'm still unsure whether this should get a !? or a ?! but I'm feeling generous. This was played partly out of anger that my a5 idea didn't work, partly because I didn't like the look of playing b4 giving white a delicious outpost on c4, and mostly because it looked like good fun. With open files aimed at the b and c pawns, and also weakening the e pawn I felt I had at least some justification for playing this.

11. dxc4 bxc4 12. Bxc4 Bc6 13. Qe2 Qb6 14. Bd3 Nbd7 15. Nd2 Bb4 16. Nc4 Qb7 17. f3 Qc7 18. f4 Ne8?

Either rook to e8 would've been prudent. Now comes the attack.

19. Nxe5 Nxe5 20. fxe5 Qxe5 21. Bf4 Qc5 22. e5 Nc7 23. Qg4 Ne6 24. Nh5 Kh8 25. Qf5 g6 26. Qf6+ Kg8 27. Qh4?

The knight can safely be taken, presumabley my opponent didn't spot my 28th move. Instead, 27. Bh6! Qe7 (27. ... Qd5? 28. Nf4!) 28. Qxe7 Bxe7 Bxf1 wins an exchange, and black's position is untenable.

27. ... gxh5 28. Qxh5 f5! 29. Bxf5 Rxf5

Possibly not necessary, but with 11 moves still to make before the time control, I was keen to swat a few of the wasps buzzing around my king.

30. Qxf5 Nxf4 31. Rxf4 Be8 32. Qe4 Rd8 33. Kh1 Bg6 34. Rg4 Kh8??

Both of us missing the win under time pressure: 35. Rxg6! hxg6 36. Qh4+

35. Qf4? Qb6 36. Qg5 Rd5 37. Rf1 Qe6 38. Qf6+ Qxf6 39. exf6 Bxc2 40. f7 Bg6??

Awful, and probably worth 3 question marks. The obvious 40. ... Rd8 gives black good opportunities to draw, but with seconds on the clock I hallucinated a mate and blundered away any chance of that.

41. f8Q+ Bxf8 42. Rxf8+ Kg7 43. Rf2 Re5 44. h4 Re1+ 45. Kh2 Rd1 46. h5

1-0

Sigh.

A disappointing performance to start the season off for me, but elsewhere Steve Woolgar continued his excellent form in the 4NCL, winning on board 2 against an opponent who outgraded him by over 300 points, and Martin Oliver recorded an impressive win with the black side of a Caro Kann on board 1. The match finished with Guildford A&DC 3 winning 3-2, not too shabby given we were outgraded by an average of 361 points and if it weren't for my blunder on move 40 it could have been a dream result.

After enjoying the traditional Daventry cuisine and nightlife I was up for round 2. The gods of 4NCL had other ideas though, and we were faced with Mission Impossible after conceding the bottom two boards to defaults and being docked 1.5 points in the process. We needed 4/4 against 1894 average opposition, and with Martin being promoted to the second team I was on board 1. Bring it on.

John-Paul Taylor (139) - (172) Tim Lunn

1. e4 d5 2. exd5 Qxd5 3. Nc3 Qd6!?

Unusual Scandinavians seem to be the dish of the day, and whilst I have actually seen this one a couple of times before, I don't really know what I'm supposed to do. I opted, as I often do in such circumstances, for aggression.

4. Bc4 Nf6 5. d3 a6 6. Qf3!?

Going straight for the jugular on f7 and preventing any b5 antics he might have been planning, but the queen does become a target. 6. Nf3 may have been more sensible, but that's just not my style.

6. ... Nc6 7. Ne4 Qd8 8. c3?

Looking to prevent the annoying Nd4, but ends up just weakening my pawn structure. Trading knights on f6 followed by 9. Ne2 might have been better.

8. ... Ne5! 9. Nxf6+ exf6 10. Qe2 Qe7 11. Bf4 Nxc4 12. Qxe7+ Bxe7 13. dxc4 c6 14. Nf3 O-O 15. O-O

So much for aggression. I suppose I could have offered a draw here, but I was hungry for vengeance for round 1.

15. ... Be6 16. Rfe1 Rfe8 17. b3 Bg4 18. Rad1 Kf8 19. a4 Rad8 20. Bc7 Rxd1 21. Rxd1 Bf5 22. Rd2!? Ba3 23. b4? Bc1

Oops. Ra2 is possible now, hanging on to the pawn, but I was more concerned with the back rank issues.

24. Bd6+ Kg8 25. Rd1 Bb2 26. Nd4 Bg6 27. b5 cxb5 28. axb5 Bxc3 29. bxa6 bxa6 (Not 29. ... Bxd4? 30. axb7!) 30. g4 Be4 31. f3!? Bxd4+ 32. Rxd4 Bxf3

Buying an opposite coloured bishops endgame at the cost of a pawn. I knew I should have just offered a draw earlier.

33. Kf2 Bb7 34. Bb4 g5 35. Rd7 Bc8 36. Rd6 Kg7 37. Bc3 Re6 38. Rd5 Re4!? 39. Rxg5+ Kf8 40. Rc5 Be6 41. h3 Ke7 42. Rc7+ Kd6 43. Kf3 Rxc4 44. Rxc4 Bxc4 45. Bxf6 Ke6 46. g5 Kf5 47. h4 Bb3 48. h5? Bd1+ 49. Ke3 h6? 50. Be7! Bxh5 51. gxh6 Bg6

Blunders galore, but now the draw from here ought to be relatively straightforward, right? My king runs to a1 and I stick my bishop on the a7-g1 diagonal, ready to snap off the f pawn whenever I get the chance. Easy.

52. Bc5?!

But don't do it in the wrong order! Now a race ensues.

52. ... Ke5 53. Bd4+ Kd5 54. Bf6 a5 55. Kd2 Kc4 56. Kc1 Kb3 57. Kd2 a4 58. Ke3 Kc2 59. Kd4 a3 60. Kc5 a2 61. Kd6 Kb1 62. Ke7 a1=Q 63. Bxa1 Kxa1 64. Kf6 Bb2 65. h7 Bxh7 66. Kxf7

½-½

Phew. Sadly the team didn't share my luck, losing by 6½ - an impressive margin for a 6 board match. Hopefully we'll be able to field a full team by January.

Joseph J. Stewart (1982 - 2010)

2010-11-16T00:52:00.004Z

We were tonight saddened to hear the news that one of our biggest fans, Joey Stewart, has passed away following a short illness. He is thought to have contracted avian flu after a swan sneezed on him last month.

Tragically, while at the 4NCL last weekend, he shared a water bottle with Jerry Humphreys and David Buckley - both are now in intensive care and may not make it through the month.

Ironically, he was a big lover of birds and was even chosen to play the lead in Baz Luhrmann's remake of the 1969 classic Kes, which will get its screen release in Summer 2011.

Before Kes, he was best known for a legal dispute in 2003 with fellow actor Matt Le Blanc over rights to the name 'Joey'. Le Blanc objected to Stewart having the name Joseph as both his first and middle names (having been baptised by a priest with a speech disorder) and forced him to shorten his middle name simply to 'J'.

Shortly before he died, he sent us notes from his last ever competitive game. We publish them here for posterity. He is survived by his estranged husband Patrick, whom he met on the set of Star Trek Nemesis in 2000.

J. Stewart (deceased) - (2002) G. Harley-Yeo

1. e4 c5 2. Nf3 e6 3. Qe2

Many people question the logic of this move, but it does have its merits - it prevents black from playing d5 and establishing a good pawn centre as the e6 pawn is pinned. Also white is intending g3 and Bg2 so it is not restricting the bishop as much as it initially appears. Lastly, it avoids going into the sharpest main lines which will more likely be comfortable for black to play.

3... b6 4. g3 Bb7 5. Bg2 d5

Probably this move comes too early, as mentioned before, the queen pins the e6 pawn and black is forced to capture with the bishop or queen which can be kicked away by Nc3 and gaining a tempo.

6. exd5 Bxd5 7. 0-0 Nf6 8. Rd1

To provide support in preperation for d4.

8... Nbd7 9. Nc3 Bc6 10. d4 cxd4 11. Nxd4 Bxg2 12. Kxg2

I felt that by allowing this good bishop to be traded it would be removing one of blacks useful defending pieces and give my knights more scope to intrude onto his position- especially if it became possible to play Nxe6!

12... Qc7 13. Ncb5 Qb7+ 14. f3 Be7

The temptation of Nxe6 was strong, especially with Nd6+ as quite a severe follow up threat, but after black plays Kf8 he seemed to be able to hang onto the piece and it is not quite possible to deliver a killing blow - therefore another move needed to be found.

15. Nf5!

The knight obviously cannot be taken as Nd6+ wins blacks queen but black is also not able to castle as the bishop will be en prise, the threat of Nxg7+ and Nd6+ also need to be met and Gareth found the best defensive move to hold his position together.

15... Kf8 16. Nxe7 Kxe7 17. Bf4 Kf8

Another good defence, avoiding Bd6+ where the black king gets stuck in the centre with little hope of ever finding sanctuary.

18. Rd2

I had another long think about playing Nc7 and Nxe6+, with the threat of Bd6 mate looming, it turned out that Ne8 would have provided adequate defence for black to hang on again and retain my piece - therefore I had to go about playing in a less exciting fashion from this point onwards.

18... h6

Allowing an escape route for the king, should I feel inclined to carry out the aforementioned sacrifice.

19. Rad1 Nd5 20. Bd6+ Kg8 21. c4 N5f6 22. Be7 Nf8 23. Bxf6

The bishop had to move anyway, as it was attacked by the queen, but taking here spoils blacks pawn structure and also allows a second bite at attacking the king with one less defender in the way.

23... gxf6 24. Nd6 Qc7 25. Qe4 Rd8 26. Qf4 f5

This allows a tactic to win a pawn although,interestingly enough, fritz prefers to play the position a pawn down than in its current state.
27. Nxf5! Rxd2+ 28. Rxd2 Qxf4 29. Ne7+ Kg7 30. gxf4 Kf6

Again, my team mates were somewhat unimpressed by the fact I had conceded a weak pawn structure just to win an already bad pawn but as it is so often said 'a pawn is a pawn', and my pieces are also still relatively active.

31. Nc6 Ng6 32. Kg3 Rg8 33. Rd8

Black has to either trap his rook on g7, to keep the pressure on, or swap off into a knight ending of uncertainty.

33... Rg7 34. Nxa7

Avoiding the threat of Ne5+ or Ne7+ and winning a piece.

34... Ne5+ 35. Kf2 Nxc4 36. b3 Na5?

The kinght is trapped here now and black is powerless to stop it being rounded up in the next couple of moves - Na3 was the only option to preserve the piece.

37. Rb8 Kf5 38. Rxb6 Nxb3 39. axb3 Kxf4 40. Nc6 e5 41. Ne7

I have been seeing lots of puzzles lately involving knights delivering a checkmate against a trapped king and this seemed to be the sort of position where one might be possible.

41... f5 42. Ng6+ Kg5 43. Nxe5 Ra7

I had intended to play Rg6+ and swap into a won pawn ending, so this move was prudent to keep blacks chances alive.

44. h4+ Kxh4 45. Rxh6+ Kg5 46. Rg6+

46... Kh5

Kf4 looked natural but did, in fact, allow a mate on d3 with the knight.

47. Rg1 Ra2+ 48. Ke3 Rb2 49. Kf4 Kh6 50. Kxf5 Rxb3 51. f4 Rb4 52. Ng4+ Kg7 53. Kg5 Rb5+ 54. f5 Ra5 55. Rb1 Kh8 56. Kg6 Ra8 57. Nf6!

Forces mate in two - Rh1#, Rb8# or Rg8+ Nxg8 Kxg8 Rb8#.

57... Ra1

In the online blitz world this could well work ,as white would have his rook hovered over the h1 square ready to drop, otherwise he might play Rxa1 stalemate. our team needed the points though, so I had to decline the drawing tactic.

58. Rb8 mate

1-0

Maud Watt Sorts Your Life Out III

2010-11-13T16:34:00.006Z

Life is a cruel mistress. So is Maud Watt. Here she is again to fight fire with fire.

Which response would you recommend to 1. d4 e5?

RN, Dublin

Why bother to learn opening theory when you'll only fuck up the middlegame anyway? Your best bet is to pretend to be having a really long think on move 2, and eventually your opponent will get bored and leave the table. Take this opportunity to poison his beer. I recommend Aconitine, as there's no known antidote.

_____________________________________________________

Maud, my clock handling has become very bad in the last few months - I always seem to be in time trouble. Any advice?

JVS, Devon

Remember that Einstein's Theory of Special Relativity proved that time is relative. Use this to claim that from your viewpoint, your opponent ran out of time 10 minutes ago. If he's too stupid to understand this concept, I often find it helpful to explain it with the analogy of the relativity of teeth. Hit him in the mouth with a brick.

_____________________________________________________

Do you have an urgent chess issue to resolve? Email extremelydistressingnews@gmail.com with 'Maud Watt' in the subject line.

Checks In The City

2010-11-12T17:11:00.004Z

Revenge is a wonderful dish. And that's what Metropolitan feasted on last night as they admonished us for having the temerity to smash them up a few weeks ago. On paper, we were extremely evenly matched and until the last 10 minutes of the session, 4-4 looked likely. But on this occasion, it didn't quite happen for us. Full power to them though - they've now blown the relegation scrap wide open.

No full game this time as the unrecorded time scramble accounted for at least 30% of it. Besides, the first couple of hours were interesting enough.

George Dickson (178) - (185) Philip J. Makepeace

1. d4 d5 2. Bf4 e6 3. e3 Bd6 4. Bg3 h5!?

Like my fellow students the day before, an attempt to wake the city up.

5. Bd3 h4 6. Bxd6 Qxd6 7. Qg4 Kf8!?

7... Ne7 is definitely playable. However, with the centre pretty fixed and Rex staring down a vacant file, I was fairly comfortable with playing this.

8. Nd2 Nc6 9. c3 e5 10. dxe5 Nxe5 11. Qe2 Nxd3+ 12. Qxd3 Ne7 13. O-O-O

Not sure why, given that I'm bearing down on the kingside, but I was surprised by this decision. I suppose I overestimated how much influence the bishop would have on the otherwise vacant diagonal.

13... Bf5 14. Qe2 Qg6 15. e4 dxe4 16. f3 e3 17. Qxe3 Qa6 18. a3 Rd8 19. Ne2 Nd5 20. Qc5+ Kg8 21. Rhe1 Rh6 22. Nd4 Bd3 23. c4

There are so many fruity tactical tries here that just don't work. I was very close to playing 23... b6 24. Qb5 Nc3 25. bxc3 (25. Qxa6 Na2 mate) Qxa3 but the white queen can block on b2.

23... Nf4 24. Ne4?

What I'd expected, but it allows a crushing reply that I didn't even consider: 24... Rh5!

Any sensible queen move leaves the d4 knight en prise, while Nf5 or Ng5 leave the c4 pawn to be captured with check after the rook hoovers it up.

As it was, in deepening time trouble, I steered it into this advantageous ending.

And couldn't convert it in the face of inspired defence that I have, alas, been unable to reconstruct. Well played George.

Boards 3 and 8 were quickish draws, while grading favourite Graeme fell foul of a brave decision to play for a win on Board 6. Dick continued his great start to the season and Dan's game never looked like anything other than a draw.

Unfortunately, Tom Villiers and Stuart Farnan, back after a lengthy hiatus, couldn't get it done, so our unbeaten start is over. Tom's game in particular looked insane - I'll try to cover it on these pages at some point.

	METROPOLITAN 1	ECF	Result	ECF	MUSWELL HILL
1	Cengiz Hasman	199	½ - ½	188	Dan Hall
2	George Dickson	178	½ - ½	185	Phil Makepeace
3	Petr Vachtfeidl	173	½ - ½	170	Oliver Butt
4	Manuel Perez Carballo	183	1 - 0	177	Stuart Farnan
5	D. Ian Calvert	168	0 - 1	162	Dick House
6	Noel Stewart	149	1 - 0	158	Graeme Jenkins
7	Andrew McGuinness	159	1 - 0	160	Tom Villiers
8	John Kitchen	147	½ - ½	150	Tom Peet
		Average 169.5	5 - 3	Average 168.8

Maud Watt Sorts Your Life Out II

2010-11-05T00:16:00.005Z

Maud Watt contemplates suicide so you don't have to! Here's her take on this week's batch of reader contributions.

Hi Maud,

Over the past 12 months, the beautiful relationship I once had with my boyfriend Steve has become stale and unfulfilling. When we started going out, his FIDE rating of 1933 seemed awe-inspiring to the innocent 1740 I was back then. However, he has failed to improve by so much as 20 points in the last 3 seasons, and in the November rating lists my 2114 far surpasses his pathetic 1951. I've tried everything to keep the passion alive, I even bought him Dvoretsky's Analytical Manual for his birthday, but he told me he'd rather focus on the "important things" like his career.

Is there any way to save our relationship?

RDN, Sussex

Put simply, no. The selfish bastard clearly has no time for you or Dvoretsky, and from what I hear, he's terrible in bed too. It's time to move on.

Luckily for you, more than 80% of male chess players over 2200 are single and if you're willing to put up with the poor standards of hygiene and total lack of fashion sense, you'll easily find the right man for you.

In the meantime, invest in a vibrator.

____________________________________________________

Maud,

My son is obsessed with chess! Every day after school, he spends hours playing blitz games on the internet, and always has his nose in a book on some opening or other. How can I get him to focus this hard on his schoolwork?

MC, Cumbria

It's times like this I recommend using a parental technique I call "Tough Love".

Break his fingers with a hammer. That'll teach the little shit some sense.

____________________________________________________

Do you have an urgent chess issue to resolve? Email extremelydistressingnews@gmail.com with 'Maud Watt' in the subject line.

An Attempt At Being Serious II

2010-11-03T21:31:00.000Z

It would be remiss of us not to mention the news that Danny Baker - one of the heroes mentioned in our mission statement - is undergoing cancer treatment. His full statement can be found here.

All the best Danny - RTK will fly the foolishness flag in your absence.