Reader Letter I

We've had our first letter. It comes from a Ms. D. Fault of Sevenoaks, who is incidentally a well-known associate of the Sambuca Sharks 4NCL team. She writes:


Dear Ray,

I first noticed these pages when a young man - who proclaims himself as some kind of diplomat, obviously just a hippie - linked to it from the English Chess Forum. 

When I saw the signature RTK I was so horrified I rushed into the drawing room to phone my husband, Cyril. He advised me to sit down for a while and perhaps even have a barley water. 

What possessed you to start a project riddled with foolishness and bad puns? I sincerely hope your newspaper column will not too be dumbing down in this appalling fashion.

Yours,

Deborah Fault




We have replied to Ms. Fault and assured her that the impresario in question has the middle initial 'D', though we hasten to suggest what it could possibly stand for. Probably Derek or Donald though.


I suppose if we were more street and had gone for Release Da Kraken, more such letters could have been flooding our mailbox. Just as well we're not then.

Don't Look Back, Like Dylan In The Movies

Three years ago, I was in exactly this position. The first two rounds saw a quick handshake with the white bits and cashing in on an early blunder with the black bits. Then I found myself on the live boards against a 2300+ player. And won. Today I wasn't really considering that an omen; there's a time and a place for that sort of hooey. And that time was yesterday and the place was here. Check it out!

Right, enough plugging. Today I was tasked with butchering the Baker. Chris Baker. No, IM Chris Baker.

Philip J. Makepeace (2074) - (2307) Chris W. Baker

1. e4 e5

So I was chatting to Roger de Coverly beforehand:

"You're not expecting a Scotch then?"
"Nope."

2. Nf3 Nc6 3. d4 exd4 4. Nxd4 Qh4!?



"We're pushed for time - can you sum it up in a word?"
"No."
"A sound?"
"Wooouuaaaahhhh."

5. Nc3 Bb4 6. Ndb5 Ba5 7. Be3?!

7...a6 8. Nd4 Bxc3 9. bxc3 Qxe4 would have severely tested my shaky approach.

7...Nf6 8. Bd3 Ng4

I wasn't particularly worried about this as the d5 square looks very inviting for a knight at some point.

9. Qe2 Nxe3 10. Qxe3 a6 11. Nd4 Bb6

11...Nxd4 12. Qxd4 Bb6 13. Qe5+ Kf8 was suggested in the post-mortem as an alternative.

I'm not convinced about the h8 rook's long-term prospects though.

12. Nf5 Bxe3 13. Nxh4 Bd4?

This allows me an unnecessary tempo gain.

14. Nd5 Kd8 15. c3 Ba7 16. Nf5 d6 17. g4?!

I felt like doing something here - my position was becoming rather stagnant. And by stagnant, I mean it was level. And by level, I mean I was getting bored. So yeah, you get the idea.

17...g6 18. Nh6 Be6 19. Nf4 Kd7 20. O-O Ne5 21. Be2 Rhf8

I was quite surprised when he chipped the chop. There's obviously plenty of play left but I'd drifted into a position without much potential. So we keep running on +1; a good day at the grind.

½-½

A Cheery Wave From Stranded Youngsters

After yesterday's entirely professional 43 minute exertion, I was up for some fighting. And that's just as well, given I was up against Felix Ynojosa. I went into the game with a 100% head-to-head record, having beaten him in 2007 with black. And that wasn't the only omen on my side...

Felix J. Ynojosa-Aponte (2224) - (2074) Philip J. Makepeace

So after yesterday's draw bore, I found myself on Board 27 against one of the foremost young talents in the country. Hang on. Talent. 27. Cobain, Hendrix, Jones, Joplin, McKernan, Morrison. Just some of the talents who perished at 27. The omens were on my side. Not that I wanted Felix to actually die of course.

1. e4 c6 2. c4 d5 3. cxd5 cxd5 4. exd5 Nf6 5. Bb5+ Bd7 6. Bc4 Qc7 7. Qb3??

The car is on fire and there's no driver at the wheel. 7. d3 is correct.

7... b5 8. Bxb5 Qxc1+ 9. Ke2 Bxb5+ 10. Qxb5+ Nbd7 11. b3 g6?

11...Rc8 would have kept white completely tied down. Even so, white's task ahead of him is still worthy of a superhero.

12. Qc4

"Yeah, actually, I do put my trousers on before my pants." Oops, I had assumed Qc4 wasn't possible due to 12...Rc8 but 13. Nc3! is awkward.

12...Qxc4+ 13. bxc4 Nh5 14. Na3 Nf4+ 15. Kf3 g5 16. d4 e5 17. Nb5 Rc8 18. g3 Nd3 19.
Ke2 e4 20. c5 a6 21. Nc3 f5 22. f3 Bg7 23. fxe4 Nf2

You can take the horse to water but it only thins the glue. The fewer pieces remaining, the more chances white has.

24. Kxf2 Bxd4+ 25. Kg2 Bxc3 26. Rc1 Rxc5 27. exf5 O-O?!

Natural and not necessarily bad. But given the pressure white exerts later on, the king probably belongs in the centre.

28. Ne2 Be5 29. Rxc5 Nxc5 30. g4 Rb8 31. Rc1 Ne4 32. Rc2 Nf6 33. Rc6?

I now capture Adam with tempo. Dave can wait until later.

33... Rb2 34. Kf3 Rxa2 35. d6 Ra3+ 36. Kg2 Re3 37. Ng1 a5 38. Nf3 Bf4 39. Ra6 Re2+!

I used a lot of my remaining time before the move 40 addition on this. I had to assess the position after move 43 as being good enough. White's king is now penned in and fantasy mating nets start to appear.

40. Kf1 Ra2 41. Nd4 Rd2

But I missed one! 41...Nxg4! 42. d7 Rf2+ 43. Kg1 Bxh2 44. Kh1 Bc7 45. Ra8+ Kf7 46. d8Q Rf1+ 47. Kg2 Ne3+ 48. Kh3 Rh1# would have been a sweet spot.

42. Ra8+ Kg7 43. Ne6+ Kh6 44. d7 Rxd7 45. Rxa5 Nxg4

Capturing the other pawn with 45...Bxh2?? would have walked into 46. Ra3 and a serious facepalm moment.

46. h4? Nh2+ 47. Ke2 Rd2+ 48. Ke1 Nf3+ 49. Kf1 Be3 50. hxg5+ Kh5 51. Nf4+ Bxf4 52. Ra3 Kg4 53. g6 Bg3 54. g7

When there's nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire.

54...Rf2 mate

I Knew James Adair Before He Got Famous

Many seemed to think that today would produce no surprises of note. However, IM Jack Rudd got lucky against GM Keith Arkell who was let down by a move order slip and crashed sans airbag. He was climbing up the walls before 3pm.

I was also done by 3pm, having produced the following effort entirely unworthy of publication. Incidentally, each day’s annotations will be published in the Championship bulletin, courtesy of the team there. Among today’s games actually worth going through tomorrow are Henderson – Combie and Adair – Bates, both of which looked very tense.


Phil Makepeace (2074) - (2164) George Salimbeni

During my preparation for Mr. Salimbeni last night, as I looked through one Ruy Lopez after another, I decided to be rash. After all, it seems that everyone expects the Spanish Inquisition these days. So, for only the second time ever, I deviated on move 1.

1. d4 Nf6 2. Nf3 e6

Oh. Biscuits. I had been hoping to play through at least a bit of Crouch -
Salimbeni, 4NCL 2009 which continued 2...g6 3. Bg5 Bg7 4. Nbd2 d5 5. e3 O-O 6.Bd3 Nbd7 7.Qe2

3. g3 d5 4. Bg2 Be7 5. O-O O-O 6. b3 Nbd7 7. Bb2 b6 8. Nbd2 Bb7 9. c4 c5 10. e3 Rc8 11. Ne5 Qc7 12. Rc1 dxc4 13. Bxb7 Qxb7 14. Nxd7 Qxd7 15. Nxc4 cxd4 16. Qxd4

Sigh. Yes, that was really it. This is what happens when I play something pertaining to be a proper opening! My heart wasn't really in it and I fully expect Jack to assign me a skull and crossbones in the bulletin. I'm sure George would admit he was more like Jorge Regula today as well. Plenty of time for fireworks yet though.

1/2-1/2


I realise today's post is rather lacklustre so I've left an Easter Egg in the first paragraph. Anyone who spots the theme will become very popular with my co-conspirator on these pages. Not that that's necessarily a good thing, but there you go.

British Championship (P)review

And so it begins!

I decided to do a little reconnaissance today in order to become acclimated with the venue and see a few people, some of whom were playing in the rapidplay. I arrived at the business end of round 4 but my attention was immediately diverted to a small gathering of players and arbiters outside.

It transpired that, for the first time in the competition’s history, the Championship titles were actually being awarded prior to Round 1. Apparently, the organisers decided that Michael Adams and Jovanka Houska’s enormous chip leads over their respective fields should be immediately recognised so that they can both make a prompt exit after Round 11. And rightly so – such top people shouldn’t be made to spend another night in Kent. Adams’ minimum expected score of 8.69 and Houska’s 502 point advantage over her nearest rival point to nothing but clear success.

In other news, Alex Holowczak - despite not having entered - won the Boys’ Under 21 title by virtue of having a moustache and I was delighted to be awarded the Girls’ Under 21 prize because I moisturise.

Anyway, I’ve been paired white against George Salimbeni (2164) tomorrow, which I’m pleased about. Not because it’s going to be an easy game – far from it – but because I believe it’s better to get stuck into the higher rated players as soon as possible. In addition, I get to sit next to fellow Drunken Knight Mark Rich and listen to his dirty jokes before we start. And probably during. Should be fun.

I've Seen You Before Innit I

© Martin Crichton

Germany captain Philipp Lahm _________    Harrow's Neville Blackie

Human Traffic

Hello you.

Sorry for the large gap between the first and second posts - this column has been getting its culture on at Latitude Festival. We were surprised that the streets of Camden and Islington weren’t awash with social disharmony when we returned. Thank goodness Democracy Village was cleared to make room for the vast swathes of chess players demanding we update the blog.

Anyway, we bring news. The British Championships start next Monday and the more southerly kraken will be competing primarily for the Under 21 title. He’ll be sending daily updates by the power of mobile broadband from the toilet of Nando’s in Canterbury. Try to keep up, eh?

Releasing The Kraken

Hi, I’m Phil.

And I’m Chris.

We’re two chess players who feel that there is a current lack of humorous and satirical independent chess journalism out there. This blog is intended to help plug the void.

Our main inspirations are the Chess Addicts Richard James and Mike Fox, whose column in CHESS was for many years the best thing in the mag. In addition, Kingpin and Chandler Cornered never let facts get in the way of fun. And in the real world the intellectual randomness of Danny Baker never fails to make us smile. We quite agree that “loyalty cards undermine the basic majesty of homo sapiens”.

The boys over at Streatham and Brixton already do great social commentary and criticism; we’re more likely to address the lighter side of the game. Though we won’t hold back if something needs to be said, such is the beauty of being our own bosses. And remember, you can’t libel the deceased.

True that.

We’re very aware that being based in the centre of the city, our material is likely to be very London-centric and that this could be off-putting. So we welcome submissions of any nature from anywhere in the world to extremelydistressingnews@gmail.com.

Or, if you prefer, leave them behind the bar of The Court on the Tottenham Court Road. They’ll find their way to us.

Cheers! And never forget that there's no off position on the genius switch.

Coming up:

- Report on the Minor Counties final between Middlesex and Herts. In Leicester. Yes.

- James Hartston on how his life would be much better if his dad hadn’t bottled the GM title and Slater Prize.

Submissions invited:

- Limericks about Stewart Reuben’s beard.

- Chess player doppelgängers