Friday, 19 August 2011

To Rentokil A Mockingbird

Pest control has, it would seem, returned. Except that, on this occasion, nobody from outside the breakfast club is allowed to pass comment. Which is outrageous. And it's precisely because we've not been initiated that we're outraged. 

Poor old Chris. You'd think that living with Bill Hartston's family for a year must qualify one for the breakfast club, wouldn't you? But no. Chris has now upped sticks in protest and is at such a low ebb that he's living with non-chess players. I share a fridge with three titled players but, again, radio silence has prevailed. Hear that, Steve? A fridge! All the eggs and bacon you want. We might be running low on foie gras though.  

For a man who is only too delighted to disgorge his chess address book in his publications, the lack of even a courtesy phone call from Steve over the past 13 months has been very disappointing. He's obviously losing touch with who the top people really are. And in more than one way too. Even Joey Stewart has a higher ECF grade than Steve and he's dead

Come back to us, Steve! Let us once again tell you how wonderful we think you are. It's only fair.

Monday, 8 August 2011

Introducing 'The Diaper'

Are you sick of the same stale opening motifs? Does the Petroff or the Fort Knox make your blood boil? Want to shit all over your position instead? Try The Diaper! Only strong players and major celebrities play it!

Don't worry about those weak dark squares - we can't use the light squares either!

This is the key starting position of the main line of The Diaper. It is reached by the following moves:

1. e4 e5  2. f3 Nc6  3. h3 Qh4+  4. Ke2 Nd4+  5. Kd3

Black has many options here, all of which are very good. However, I recommend following my advice by wearing a balaclava to each game. You can fool your opponent into thinking you're a terrorist and are likely to abduct their children if they beat you. This approach certainly carries more moral and ethical weight than most. It's particularly subtle during the winter months.

Sunday, 7 August 2011

Adams Wins Despite Being Straight

What a furore. It's a wonder this didn't happen last year. 

I'm better than all of you. Get over it.

Perhap Fortescue, on the scene in Sheffield, had this to say:

"The gay rights parade was a joke. Some chess players, most of them not even practising homosexuals, hijacked it. And then two of them - admittedly wearing rather darling suits - set up a position on a board and sat motionless. This aroused considerable excitement amongst the mob and some of them sat nearby and started sketching furiously. The two subjects didn't even play footsie. Disgraceful."

Still-life class in Ponds Forge.

At 12.05pm, one of the men moved and the class was abandoned. The word on the street is that they will reconvene in Whitley Bay in July 2012. Homosexuals beware.

Photos: Stephen Connor
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Release The Kraken by Philip Makepeace and Christopher Russell is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported License.