Tuesday, 22 November 2011


We've been doing some phone hacking of our own recently. And we can exclusively reveal the person who'll be managing the 2012 British Championships.

They're the obvious choice really. LGBT-friendly, well acclimated with arbiting and known to look fabulous in a blue polo shirt. In addition, living in the north-east must be seen as a major advantage.

ECF President CJ de Mooi, thought to be behind the decision, appears to be making amends for August's misunderstanding. About an hour ago, he tweeted "As penance I've just started my 7th hour of exercise for today". Commitment indeed to looking good naked.

Thursday, 10 November 2011

Maud Watt Sorts Your Life Out IV

Dearest Maud,

I suffer from what has been diagnosed by my team mates as a chronic case of Armchair Chess Player Syndrome (ACPS). As I'm sure you're well aware it's far more severe than being an armchair fanatic of any other discipline. The football fan simply shouts at the players from the comfort of his living room or indeed the stands of his local ground, if I spot a winning combination whilst watching a game I blurt it out. I simply can't help myself and have even been known to follow it up with a barrage of personal abuse.

This has caused all manner of difficulties during league matches but also in my personal life. I've been confined to a separate room by my club captain during matches and a similar move has been made by my wife. He's issued an ultimatum threatening to ban me from competitive fixtures and she's furious that I gave her a slow hand clap and suggested back rank mate last night. What should I do?


Brian Lunder, Ipswich

Frankly Brian, I'm surprised you're still permitted to roam the streets let alone play competitive chess matches. In order to remedy your condition I suggest watching more games from super GM tournaments. Invest in a package holiday to Wijk aan Zee and sit in the front row during games.

Failure to spot any combinations at all will knock your ego down a rung or two and you'll soon begin to doubt your chess playing ability. This is a very important step on the road to recovery. Only when you're frightened of suggesting moves to the point where you don't want to even look at a chess board ever again let alone analyse a position, will you be free from ACPS.

That'll be 49 euros, cash preferable.

Do you have an urgent chess issue to resolve? Email extremelydistressingnews@gmail.com with 'Maud Watt' in the subject line.

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

'Taches for Cashes

You heard us correctly. All three of us are taking part in Movember in order to raise money for men's health charities. In the end, Alex Holowczak and Roger Edwards convinced us that we were missing out on some top lip action. This is our page which we will be updating regularly. Please donate generously.

Our hero

We'll be present at the first 4NCL weekend in Daventry if you'd like to check we're taking it seriously. We'll even let you stroke the fruits of our labours. How's about that then? (RIP Jimmy)
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Release The Kraken by Philip Makepeace and Christopher Russell is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported License.