Dearest Maud,
I suffer from what has been diagnosed by my team mates as a chronic case of Armchair Chess Player Syndrome (ACPS). As I'm sure you're well aware it's far more severe than being an armchair fanatic of any other discipline. The football fan simply shouts at the players from the comfort of his living room or indeed the stands of his local ground, if I spot a winning combination whilst watching a game I blurt it out. I simply can't help myself and have even been known to follow it up with a barrage of personal abuse.
This has caused all manner of difficulties during league matches but also in my personal life. I've been confined to a separate room by my club captain during matches and a similar move has been made by my wife. He's issued an ultimatum threatening to ban me from competitive fixtures and she's furious that I gave her a slow hand clap and suggested back rank mate last night. What should I do?
Yours,
Brian Lunder, Ipswich
Frankly Brian, I'm surprised you're still permitted to roam the streets let alone play competitive chess matches. In order to remedy your condition I suggest watching more games from super GM tournaments. Invest in a package holiday to Wijk aan Zee and sit in the front row during games.
Failure to spot any combinations at all will knock your ego down a rung or two and you'll soon begin to doubt your chess playing ability. This is a very important step on the road to recovery. Only when you're frightened of suggesting moves to the point where you don't want to even look at a chess board ever again let alone analyse a position, will you be free from ACPS.
That'll be 49 euros, cash preferable.
Do you have an urgent chess issue to resolve? Email extremelydistressingnews@gmail.com with 'Maud Watt' in the subject line.
