Monday, 25 November 2013

BREAKING: British chess player not on brink of death

Anthropologists in Glasgow have moulded a young, articulate and good looking chess player. After twelve months of social integration, including toilet training and basic dietary nous, they decided to show him off on BBC News. The results were incredible.

Wonky tie

Joseff Thomas, estranged brother of 400m runner Iwan, was raised by feral draughts players in Monmouthshire before escaping on horseback to the Gorbals at age 22. It was here that he learned chess, in a public convenience near West Street subway station. A few months later a disagreement over an incorrect scoresheet led Joseff to be banished from the clan, whereupon he was discovered by Garth Sanchez-Reed of Strathclyde University.

Dr. Sanchez-Reed exclusively told RTK, "It's the biggest breakthrough of my career. I only wish it were possible to tutor every other British chess player in the ways of righteousness."

The reaction in the chess world was one of horror and shock. Dafydd Cygnet of Machynlleth posted on the ECF Forum, "He didn't look jaundiced at all. I don't like it." And Henrietta Rh'barb tweeted, "His jumper had been ironed. Balls to anthropology and human advancement."

Mr. Thomas will now be going on tour as a motivational speaker, supporting Kriss Akabusi on his whirlwind circuit of English market towns. He starts in Holbeach on 3 December.


Creative Commons Licence
Release The Kraken by Philip Makepeace and Christopher Russell is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported License.