Friday, 5 November 2010

Maud Watt Sorts Your Life Out II

Maud Watt contemplates suicide so you don't have to! Here's her take on this week's batch of reader contributions.

Hi Maud,

Over the past 12 months, the beautiful relationship I once had with my boyfriend Steve has become stale and unfulfilling. When we started going out, his FIDE rating of 1933 seemed awe-inspiring to the innocent 1740 I was back then. However, he has failed to improve by so much as 20 points in the last 3 seasons, and in the November rating lists my 2114 far surpasses his pathetic 1951. I've tried everything to keep the passion alive, I even bought him Dvoretsky's Analytical Manual for his birthday, but he told me he'd rather focus on the "important things" like his career.

Is there any way to save our relationship?

RDN, Sussex

Put simply, no. The selfish bastard clearly has no time for you or Dvoretsky, and from what I hear, he's terrible in bed too. It's time to move on.

Luckily for you, more than 80% of male chess players over 2200 are single and if you're willing to put up with the poor standards of hygiene and total lack of fashion sense, you'll easily find the right man for you.

In the meantime, invest in a vibrator.



My son is obsessed with chess! Every day after school, he spends hours playing blitz games on the internet, and always has his nose in a book on some opening or other. How can I get him to focus this hard on his schoolwork?

MC, Cumbria

It's times like this I recommend using a parental technique I call "Tough Love".

Break his fingers with a hammer. That'll teach the little shit some sense.


Do you have an urgent chess issue to resolve? Email with 'Maud Watt' in the subject line.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Creative Commons Licence
Release The Kraken by Philip Makepeace and Christopher Russell is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported License.