Saturday, 13 November 2010

Maud Watt Sorts Your Life Out III

Life is a cruel mistress. So is Maud Watt. Here she is again to fight fire with fire.

Which response would you recommend to 1. d4 e5?

RN, Dublin

Why bother to learn opening theory when you'll only fuck up the middlegame anyway? Your best bet is to pretend to be having a really long think on move 2, and eventually your opponent will get bored and leave the table. Take this opportunity to poison his beer. I recommend Aconitine, as there's no known antidote.

Maud, my clock handling has become very bad in the last few months - I always seem to be in time trouble. Any advice?

JVS, Devon

Remember that Einstein's Theory of Special Relativity proved that time is relative. Use this to claim that from your viewpoint, your opponent ran out of time 10 minutes ago. If he's too stupid to understand this concept, I often find it helpful to explain it with the analogy of the relativity of teeth. Hit him in the mouth with a brick.

Do you have an urgent chess issue to resolve? Email with 'Maud Watt' in the subject line.

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